If you had controling parents!

Mixed messages, two-faced behavior, dysfunctional communication, outright denial, emotional dumping, intimidation, scapegoating, emotional strings, infantilization, parentification, erratic behavior, projection, triangulation, martyrdom, food control, thought control, depriving, confusing and manipulation are just some of the terms I learned from “If You Had Controlling Parents”, a very fruitful book by Neuharth, Ph.D.

How many of them look familiar to you? If you think only few of them, I confess I used to think so, but a short description of each term in the whole concept reveals the opposite. I have experienced all.

The title of the book is odd enough to blow anybody who I recommend the book. Most find me even irritating. Parent in general is not our natural parent by birth. As the author states it is an adult who exerted the most significant control over our childhood. And I believe in the culture I was raised this includes not only many people, but also many beliefs and upbringing condition.

Next time you are checking some books in your local bookstore, find this book and check few pages. On pages 100-102, parallels between destructive cults and controlling families are compared, which I just bring some lines about controlling families;
1. Manipulating of Feelings
- Parents give approval when pleased but withhold affections when displeased
- Parents ridicule or forbid children’s “unacceptable” emotions such as anger, sadness, or fear while exhorting children to be “proper”
2. Manipulating of Behavior
- Parents control children’s sleep, diet, privacy, dress, access to information, activities, and relationships
- Excessive chores, lectures, repetitive clichés or family rituals keep children preoccupied
- Parents scapegoat and play children off against each other
- Parents stress compliance to rules and rituals that, no matter how mundane or odd, must be followed to the letter
- Parents silence disagreements by labelling dissent as a “sin”
3. Manipulating of Thinking
- Parents foster “Truth Abuse” by denying their destructive actions and being unwilling to discuss them even years later
- Parental needs, morals or relationships are seen as all-important
- Parents have little tolerance for the grey areas in life
- Parents confuse their children with mixed messages or simply answer, “Because I say so”
4. Manipulating of Relationships
- Parents violate children’s privacy by searching rooms, opening doors without warning, or eavesdropping
- Families tend to be socially isolated, jealously guard “family secrets,” and harshly judge “different” types of people
- Parents feel they own their children and can treat them as they like
- Parents rarely admit their mistakes
- Parents treat their children as second-class citizens
- Parents see children’s desire for independence as a rejection of parents
5. Manipulating of Identity and Sense of Self
- Families are organized to protect and serve the parents, not to optimise individual growth
- Children feel disloyal when acting or feeling different than parents
- Parents criticize their children’s character or nature, rather than their actions

Now, you tell me whether you have experienced any of them in school, on TV, in your family, or anywhere else. Check all your great historical back ground.